Diary: Mama’s therapy

In the week I go to school and I live in the city. My life, especially the last few months has been so busy that I don’t see my parents enough and I don’ t go home often. But whenever I do go home, it feels like therapy: mama’s love and away from the city.

Especially the last week has been hard. I got a boyfriend and then I broke up with him again. He loves me so much but I can’t love him at the same level. We’re so different and want different things in life. Now it’s all fun and games but what in a few months? So I broke up with him. It’s also hard for me, because I will be alone again. But then again: is it him I want or is it company I want?

So I came home this weekend. My mama cooked for me. We talked. We did laundry together and she gave me hugs. She made me feel so little again, like I wanted to crawl in her lap and stay there forever. Coming home is therapy. We have a garden I can sit in. It’s quiet and green. My mama cooks delicious food I can’t cook but love to eat. And the important part: we talk endlessly. On Sunday-evening I have to go back to the city. Sometimes I’m ready for it, sometimes I wish the weekend was a day longer. At most times I feel like my batteries are recharged. Then I’m ready for another week full of ‘must-do’s’ in the city. I love weekends like that.

Right now I feel so shit with the whole break-up thing. I’ve never made someone cry like that. And it’s all down to me. I broke his heart. But I broke mine too. In those times a hug from mama is the best you can get. An ‘I love you’ here and a cup of tea there. That’s all you need. I think this will be one of those weekends that I wished to be longer. But I’m a grown-up now. I can’t hide here, home, forever. But, I’m happy to know I have a place and a person I can go home to.

 

I don’t like my writing

I don’t like my writing. Is this a thing? Is this something all writers have? I like my ideas and I like certain sentences and words I write. But I’m never satisfied with the end product.

I alway have lots to say. I’m a big talker with strong opinions. Sometimes I have so much I want to say and so many thoughts I do not want to lose, that I  get lost in my own head. That’s also the way I write. When I have a theme or an opinion I want to write about, I just start writing. Then more and more ideas and feelings come to the surface and before I know it, my text just doesn’t make any sense. When I read it over and over to rewrite and eliminate things, I still believe that everything what I write makes sense. It just doesn’t fit together.

And that’s my issue: I just can’t bring my jumble of thoughts together in one text. Maybe that has to do with my personality? I’m quite restless, as well as in my mind as in my body. Always thinking, always talking, always reading. I just can’t let things go. But that’s not making me a good writer. I love to write and I want to practice and get better but it is quite hard, because then I also have to change a bit of my personality.

I have a feeling I’m doing it again.

I also write, just like I talk. Teachers at school always told me I have a significant style of writing. I never quite worked out if this was a negative or a positive comment… I write with long and short sentences mingled together. With lots of questions and answers. I like to use the art of repeating. Don’t know if I master it yet. Mostly I just like to write like the way I feel, which almost always troubled with something.

I often can’t reach my conclusion. If you read my other things, you may notice it. I lose the plot midway in my text and try to find it again in the end. This is what makes my writing quite messy. From one thing to another. Shit, I’m doing it now, aren’t I?

So. I will try to work on it. I can only do this by writing more and reading more getting more feedback. Please, bear with me. Ironically, I think this was one of my better texts…

 

Hate

Hate is an ugly thing. I personally try not to hate anything or anyone. But sometimes it is hard, especially with people. When you don’t like certain things, you just don’t use them or buy them. But when you don’t like certain people, and you can do nothing about their presence in your life, you have to find a way to deal with it.

I always try to get to know someone before I judge them. Note: I say ‘try’, I’m not perfect. Sometimes you have to try a little harder than other times. And sometimes, the click just doesn’t come. I have mostly experienced this with teachers, but then you just have to put your pride away and plough through the few classes you have with that person. He or she is quite important for your future. I have experienced this with friends of friends. Then I just can’t understand how we both like the same people but just not each other.

It’s the hardest when the person you hate is someone in the family. Someone you love, loves the person you hate enough to build a life with him or her. The number one advice in this case is: try, try more, try harder. But if it still isn’t right after 15 years and it gets worse? I just stop trying. I don’t care anymore. Or I try not to care anymore.

You can also hate a person in the media or in politics. But there’s no point. He or she is not thinking about you. Donald Trump is liked by millions of people, the people who don’t like him can’t get to him. He knows that if he has his followers, he can still do more or less his thing. There are a few people who hate Rihanna (I also don’t understand why), but her music still sells well and she’s still rich so it doesn’t bother her. With famous people, the only one who has a problem, is you.

The feeling of hate often comes from another feeling: dishonesty and powerlessness. You hate that person so much because the person is not fair to you, doesn’t treat you like you want to be treated. Often that person handles things with you or that concern you in a vile way. Sometimes the cause of the hate is a difference in beliefs, so dominant that you can’t get past it.

Hate does things to people. It moves the mind as wel as the body. Whenever I have to do something I don’t like, even hate, I have a very hard time committing to it. But knowing my failure gives it power, will make me do better. When someone I don’t like (I try to use the word ‘hate’ not too much) is talking stupid things or doing stupid things, my blood starts simmering. I can feel my body trembling and I have to control my breathing. I’m not a violent person but when I’m mad I feel like throwing things at the wall. It’s a strange sensation and one I don’t have very often. We can see it in large groups of people. They are so passionate about their hate for the person or situation they are protesting against, that they become violent. But it is never a solution, you lose credibility when you throw the first punch. The key is control and be smarter than the other one.

I think no one lives a non-hate life. I think everyone has someone or something they hate. You can never like everyone and sometimes some people hit too close to home. My advice? Stay away from those people. If you can’t, be smarter, be the bigger person. But don’t let it get you down. Try to be the person no one hates. Be nice, be educated and be open.

 

 

 

 

Loneliness, the sleeping beast

So let’s get serious. I wasn’t going to post this, but I thought, why not? Maybe people can relate to me and feel a bit better, knowing that they’re not alone. Sometimes, I feel really lonely. Deep down I know it doesn’t make sense, because I do have family and friends who love me. It’s also not a shame to stay a night in or to spend a day alone. But in moments like that, when I’m watching some show in the evening in stead of going out, it gets in my head that I just have no friend to go out with.

I don’t think I have a lot of friends, but what is the right amount of friends, before you can’t feel alone anymore? The friends I do have, I’m quite close to, I believe. I don’t know how they feel about me… Also, when is someone your friend and when is someone your acquaintance? In that case I could say I have a lot of acquaintances, but can I text them when I just want to talk?

To my close circle I can count seven friends, which are divided into three groups. Those three groups don’t know each other, so that can make it quite difficult. I also have a completely different relation with the three groups. One group are my two oldest friends, they’re just there for everything, although I don’t really see them that often. Another group are my two most recent friends. They are not the kind of friends who I go out with to get wasted. They’re more talk-friends, but that’s okay. Then, we have the last group of friends. We’ve seen each others best and worst, all of my firsts were with them. From that group I was like ‘best friends’ with person X. Sadly we grew out of each other. Were still good friends but I’m not her number one anymore. Now I could say I’m ‘besties’ with person Y from that group. We see each other three times a week, go out together, exercise together, drink tea together… Person Y also has a boyfriend, so I’m also not her number one. Person Y is also the most social person I know, so she has lots of other friends, same for person X and person Z. For example: I want to go out tonight. Person X and Z have a party with other friends, the other friend-groups are not my going-out-group, Person Y doesn’t want to. Result: I’m not going out, because I have no one to go with.

Another thing I’m quite insecure and sad about: I’ve never had a boyfriend. It is quite hard to not be someone’s number one. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, that no one wants me at the top of their list. I want to be on someone’s mind every day, I want to feel loved. But I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know what to change to make people like me more, to have more friends. It can make me quite sad at times. At school I don’t have a lot of friends because I don’t like the people, or do the people not like me? It’s hard, but I’ll figure it out. Everyone seems to be doing good, except for me. Meanwhile, I enjoy the moments I do have with my friends, and once in a while I spend a night in with my laptop.

Thoughts about growing up

As I am studying for my exams this month, I’m thinking a lot about my future. I’m not the best student so I have to retake a few exams. It is also my second educational programme. The first one just wasn’t right for me. So you can say that I’m already a year or two ‘behind’. I feel like I’m already twenty and I’m still standing nowhere. I’ve still got nothing, while others already have everything. A few of my friends already got work. A few are studying abroad. My best friend only has a few months to go and will graduate with a degree. But then again, I don’t want to work yet. I don’t want to finish school. I like school. And I like my life right now: the homework, the student-life, the little responsibilities, the independency (but not too much). Is that selfish?

I also still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what career path I want to follow. Am I already supposed to know? I’ve got a few ideas but my ideas change as often as I change my underwear. One day I want to be a hairdresser, another day I want to be CEO of a big company.

I’m also still figuring out what I’m capable of, what my talents and passions are. I admire people who found their talent at a young age and are now already successful, but I’m not one of them. My mom often says to me: “stop floating around and start deciding”. But why? I’ll have to make decisions about important stuff my whole life. Let me enjoy the indecisive years of the early twenties. Or better: let me make stupid decisions and then make them right again. What I do have, is time to blog, time to travel and time to read. Not a lot of people can say that. I’m not jumping up and down to change that.

So what I want to say is: it’s okay to figure yourself out before you jump into the ‘real world’. There are plenty of youngsters who are still searching just like you, I’m one of them. The pressure to succied and to work is high, but if it doesn’t feel right, don’t give in to it. You’ll find your way. And if you find it, make sure it’s a happy way, one you want to keep living.

I also will have to read this back. Because daily I have these thoughts: what am I doing? I hope when people read this, they realize that being young and acting young and having fun is not a crime. We’ll get to the adult life soon enough.