Loneliness, the sleeping beast

So let’s get serious. I wasn’t going to post this, but I thought, why not? Maybe people can relate to me and feel a bit better, knowing that they’re not alone. Sometimes, I feel really lonely. Deep down I know it doesn’t make sense, because I do have family and friends who love me. It’s also not a shame to stay a night in or to spend a day alone. But in moments like that, when I’m watching some show in the evening in stead of going out, it gets in my head that I just have no friend to go out with.

I don’t think I have a lot of friends, but what is the right amount of friends, before you can’t feel alone anymore? The friends I do have, I’m quite close to, I believe. I don’t know how they feel about me… Also, when is someone your friend and when is someone your acquaintance? In that case I could say I have a lot of acquaintances, but can I text them when I just want to talk?

To my close circle I can count seven friends, which are divided into three groups. Those three groups don’t know each other, so that can make it quite difficult. I also have a completely different relation with the three groups. One group are my two oldest friends, they’re just there for everything, although I don’t really see them that often. Another group are my two most recent friends. They are not the kind of friends who I go out with to get wasted. They’re more talk-friends, but that’s okay. Then, we have the last group of friends. We’ve seen each others best and worst, all of my firsts were with them. From that group I was like ‘best friends’ with person X. Sadly we grew out of each other. Were still good friends but I’m not her number one anymore. Now I could say I’m ‘besties’ with person Y from that group. We see each other three times a week, go out together, exercise together, drink tea together… Person Y also has a boyfriend, so I’m also not her number one. Person Y is also the most social person I know, so she has lots of other friends, same for person X and person Z. For example: I want to go out tonight. Person X and Z have a party with other friends, the other friend-groups are not my going-out-group, Person Y doesn’t want to. Result: I’m not going out, because I have no one to go with.

Another thing I’m quite insecure and sad about: I’ve never had a boyfriend. It is quite hard to not be someone’s number one. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, that no one wants me at the top of their list. I want to be on someone’s mind every day, I want to feel loved. But I don’t know how to get there. I don’t know what to change to make people like me more, to have more friends. It can make me quite sad at times. At school I don’t have a lot of friends because I don’t like the people, or do the people not like me? It’s hard, but I’ll figure it out. Everyone seems to be doing good, except for me. Meanwhile, I enjoy the moments I do have with my friends, and once in a while I spend a night in with my laptop.

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